Mama Last Day of Her Life

Sometime last 14 Sept. 2011, we lost our Mother. She slipped into a coma and lost her ability to communicate with us. Her gaze stared well beyond us, to a place only she could go. My sister massaged her feet; my sister Jade told her how much we loved her. No response, just a deep, labored breath that got shorter every hour.

We let God and destiny take their natural course. But it's excruciatingly ...painful for us. We hold hands and pray. We pray for a smooth departure and a peaceful ascent to heaven. We pray for ourselves. We pray that we will find a way to go on without the only mother we've ever known.

By 6:20 a.m., Mom's breathing is labored and she is perspiring profusely. Suddenly, she stops breathing. Her chest rises with another breath, but it's shallow and weak. My sister and brother their arms around her trying to bring comfort in her last minutes, but she's struggling. In one move, her arms rise up in a contorted web, her eyes and mouth open wide as her head jerks back violently. Her eyes look right into mine and her back arches for one final push. Simultaneously, a guttural sound spews forward like a mortally wounded animal.

Then there is silence. No more breaths. No more beats. Reality penetrates.
My mother is dead.

Without the benefit of circulating blood, Mom's face is turning pale now. Her skin, yellow from jaundice is starting to cool and stiffen, but we are clenched in a group hug trying to console our mammoth loss.

I close my eyes and start to fill my head with as many different visions of my Mom as possible. I know if I just fixate on the cancer-ravaged body I see right now, that image will haunt me every time I think of Mom. I start to detach from the body lying in front of me. I know the spirit that was my mother is now gone., it is traveling at great speed toward the White Light. She is free and strong once more, no longer encumbered by this old and weak body. We are going to honor and care for her body, but this body is not my Mom. It is only the "carrier" of her spirit, much like a car carries us from place to place.

These are the images I want to keep. I want to remember my Mom's life at the peak of vibrancy and not obsess so much on her slowly declining finish. I want to remember the many times we sipped our coffee and talked about the morning news or told funny stories about my daughter in the cool of the evening. My Mom had a rich and happy life that paved her legacy into the hearts of all who knew her.
We are happy coz right now our mother is in the arms of the heavenly father. WE LOVE YOU MA!

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No More Tears

I am being eaten alive
I want to scream
But I have no strength
My lungs are completely devoured
I think my only living organ is my brain

Perhaps they are saying it for dessert
I don’t know what I did during my life
To deserve such a painful death
My silent screams of agony are tortured moans

Music for the worms
I can even smell
The decomposing smell of my organs
My arms and legs have disappeared
Soon my corpse will be no more
I am completely dead

Precious Life

My ex-hubby and I liked each other very much, until one day he told me that he no longer loved me. It was as if a bomb had exploded in my head. I had done everything to stay faithful and loyal to make the relationship work. One day there was a man came in to my life and gave me an amazing and precious gift, and that is our child. For how many months that we've been together with our child, I revealed that he has another woman. Although, I have no partner in life now but I am happy parin because Nehya was came in to my life. She gave me strength and 100% love that her father cannot give that love to me.

The value of self sharing

I know, I know… this is weird to almost everyone, but it’s the real result of extensive damage in my life. I’m sharing it here because I see that many people are reading this blog (for example: What to do when you’re feeling empty inside) because they are hurt and struggling to make sense of it all. When a Christian blogger shares, then the reader doesn’t feel so alone, the reader gains hope that God can and does REALLY heal. It’s not just a vague hope but a reality.

change of heart

thoughts flow through my head,
as i wait to find the place where i belong,
waiting in line for a long time,
my patience slowly ebbing away;

searching for a way to find that special place for me,
that place where i can fly, the place where i feel free,
that place thats my own, the place where im totally
free is right by your side, when its just you and me;

challenges i met along the way,
embrace my life with trepidation.
but, a changed person, i am today;

suddenly the world is different,
the world is new,
the world is a place
perfect for me and you;

and suddenly everything fits,
the world seems like a perfect place,
i’m no longer alone,
and my life doesn’t seem to be such a waste;

happy birthday mate!

It’s a big problem for me when I eat too much! Its really true especially on birthdays like today. One of my officemates celebrates her 31st birthday. She bought us lechon, cake at sugar munch, ribs sabaw, sugba isda, pancit & a lot more. I ate a lot making my tummy bigger waaah! It’s fat ( baby fats?) that needs to be vanished.